This is Christmas Eve and the day does not feel at all special. There have been so many painful things happening in the news that it is hard to feel like celebrating.

What does Christmas mean to me? Gosh, am drawing a blank. It does not mean gifts, decorations, TV specials, parties, etc.

Christmas music...I like to listen to Christmas music - but this does not constitute Christmas for me. Christmas does not bring to mind family or any traditions. At this moment, Christmas has no meaning for me. Why is that? I don't think I was like this before. Last year, it was hard to feel joyous or full of love and good cheer because of 9/11. This year, something else is different.

I just realized that I forgot to get the kids birthday presents put together! I also forgot Urs' present. D and M and I decided not to exchange gifts a few years ago. We can make donations in the others' names. However, I forgot to do this. This is so odd. How could I have forgotten things that I did every year? It was important for me to give the kids their presents on Cristmas eve or day. How come it no longer seems important? I do intend to give them their presents...it just does not seem to matter when. Is this a function of gettng older? I am really confused by this. In November, I gave Devin his birthday present one or two weeks late! I don't remember this ever happening. A birthday present two weeks late? What is going on?

Somewhere in this Blog I discussed the possibility of a walk-on status. Hmm. Is this associated with that possibility? Have I really changed? Is there anyone who could tell? I went into a pretty isolated period during 2001 and 2002. I am not sure even Dick would be able to answer this question. He was pretty much out of it too. My sense is that a walk-on would be an add-on and simply merge into what was already there and perhaps move to a different level. Was there also a partial walk-off too? Or, is a new level and I am just going through adjustment jitters?

Do I recognize the flow of my current thoughts? There used to be a rhythm to my thoughts. I could feel the beat as I thought about things. There is a sense of empty space now when I think. It is not a bad or lonely feel, it's just quiet and empty. I just turned off the Elvis music site. I never had music sites playing in the background as I surfed. Now, the Elvis site is playing all the time. Was his music filling the space so that I would not notice? This is so wierd.

I have been experiencing grief this past week. The little girl's murder definitely triggered the grief. The orphans in Africa are continue to tear me up. I have been trying to think of something to do that would help in some way. Nothing solid has come to mind. Wanted to go to the little girl's funeral; but decided not to because of the pain.

It doesn't feel like I am going to move any further along this path tonight. I'll just let it rest for now.

As I re-read this post, I remember something I wrote last night. I was describing how my life had been filled to brim with things and it took an accident for me to make room for the other "stuff" that I wanted in my life. The accident jarred loose the lid and all the inconsequential or irrelevant stuff fell out. I am not sure how this ties in here, but my sense is that it does. Is it possible that it took 10 years for the fall out to be complete? If that is true, is all the new stuff flowing in now? Is this why everything feels so different? Click - click- snap. Things may be falling into place. We shall see.

On that note, I feel like moving on to other stuff at 11:08 PM, 12/24/02.