YEAR NEW HAPPY!


Yes......it's a New Year
Twenty Fifteen
2015
Please open.breathe, thank. pray.
Only GOOD! if it's otherwise think it where to go!

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Happy 2014

For God's sake

I just got through with a "newspaper" reading marathon. You won't know what that means, and never mind. We might be having global warming, and I'm pretty sure it looks like we're having "global human melt down" , again you won't know what that may mean, and never mind....simply said "if the (universal) You is going to take up space, and breathe, and reproduce and live on this planet for God's sake make it a better place before you leave it, and please try not to come back and haunt people because you had a lousy, beyond wretched life, and you didn't notice until it was too late, try again and  evolve into a better spirit. For your soul's sake and yes, your God...

Houdini

ON JULY 20
I discovered Houdini did not know how to swim.
Today is 11/21/14
Houdini has relatives.

How I know I'm Alive

1. Today everything around me is annoying. Kinda like the proverbial "pesky" mosquito, only 10X over the top.......I'm sorry to say that this "itch" can't be scratched away. It comes with the "being human" territory....from my small world to the larger world around me. It's all just "crazy"....how do I make it go away? Ignore it. Process it. Deal with it. Be in denial. Accept it. 
2. Read my 5/23/13 post? 
3. Maybe.......scream?
4. Breathe? Ah----------
5. Do all of the above?

Sayings that are worth repeating:

The difference between Genius and Stupidity

            Genius has its limits.......

Written 4/2010     Edited today

Reflect-Where are you
Where do you want to be
What matters most

Rethink-What do you really need
What's possible
What are your negotiable/non-negotiables
Heart/mind Entanglements

Renew Take some time away from the problem
Look at it in a new light
Take a new perspective

Recommit- First recommit to you
To those who are important to you
 To your highest and best good
 And for all concerned in your circle
Don't worry about what the other side thinks, feels about you
BELIEVE IN YOURSELF FIRST truly,
 your strengths, weaknesses, faults, neediness,
 until we can LOVE self, we cannot reach out
When in doubt reflect, rethink, renew, recommit
 

Our Forver Blue Boy is Gone "There will always be pain, and the way to deal with it is to make room for it....think on this when you think of the pain." Tugger, Tugger, Tuggeroo......we heard today that you are gone now.......I've been thinking about you all day. Trying to make sense of it all. Why. why, why? Why are you gone? All these long years have finally caught up with us through you. Years of cheer, happiness, companionship, love, softness, beauty, and watching your independent spirit. I went looking for photos of you and found your dear, handsome unsmiling (you never smiled little boy) face. You were always so serious. You never asked very much for anything did you? Of course, I was not always there, and just so like a cat you were always sleeping when it was time to visit with you. But I knew you were there and that was consolation enough. All the years have just slipped by.......just as in any of our lives, time takes control of our destiny. Time is a cruel task-master. So cruel, it makes me still want to cry. It's been over a year since we lost our sweet Sammi Lammi and that was heartbreaking enough, and then we had to lose Majik. If there is one thing that can console it is the fact of how you left. Both of you were so brave, and each of you took a path that was meant for the one true one who loved you to take a stand and make the decision of when to leave. It is stunningly clear to me that Majik allowed us to help him move beyond the veil. We had to choose no matter how difficult and how long it took us to decide. It really wasn't about choosing for Majik, it was about trust. You see Majik never trusted at all,he came from a situation where he had become a stray, and when he came into our lives, he still didn't trust. It took years, and years to make him believe that he could trust us, and in the end he trusted us enough to decide for him to let him go. He finally wanted to be with us, up to every heart-breaking moment. He did not want to leave us. He struggled every grueling day to stay with us, and I am convinced it was because he trusted us enough to choose for him. At the end we chose for him...... Now it was Tugger's turn to help make the decision. In his case it was a generous gift of love that he decide, because he knew that making the decision was much, much too difficult. Of this I am so clear.......Tugger chose. He made the decision to leave his wonderful family, because he "knew" there would be too much pain. This is such a gift to all of us. And yet we will still suffer his loss. Yes, Tugger, we will truly miss you. You were such a brave boy at the end. You knew exactly what you were doing, but it will still be a very long time for the pain to subside. You trust us to understand. We love dear sweet Tugger. And now the time to say goodbye and in the saying Say "Hi" to everybody okay? Tell them ALL that we will always hold you all in our thoughts and hearts forever. We love you all!!!! so much. We WILL remember ALL of you!! This eulogy will never replace your true, sweet self. You are a gift for our hearts and souls. We know that you have a very special place waiting for you over the Rainbow Bridge.

Today is like any other......there is pain and strife in the world. There is unrequited fulfillment. There is pity for others and pity for my own "insignificant" rages. I have always thought that I seem to know more about what is going on in other people's lives and hardly anything about the people I love and care about most. I find this notion so sad.....but I heard a song the other day called "Instead".....instead of feeling sad, feel glad. Instead of being unhappy, be happy and on it goes.

I just viewed the movie "Humger Games".......it came out last year, but only now did I think I could watch it for any number of reasons that may sound trite, or even silly. But I was impressed by the main actress. She was also in the film "Winter Bone"....mainly I watched "HG" to see her in the role of Katniss Everdeen.

FINDING MY PATH I woke up at 12:30 AM thinking........looking for the right words to wish someone a Happy Birthday. To say my mind wondered would not be an exaggeration. It wondered all over my brain map. Fitting meaning with each word I thought. I like that notion of a "Brain Map"....Here is part of the rambling which I hope will make sense at some point....We are all born with potential. Sometimes we call it gifts, and most of the time we possess these gifts if we simply recognize them as gifts. Let me open the box and describe the gifts. The gift of time,Purpose, Inspiration, Charisma, Talent,Speech,Wonder,Hope,Love,Recognition, Choices, Beauty,Color.....there is more I cannot think of at this moment.....Wisdom, Introspection. My Brain Map took me all over the place as it did not seem to have a destination. I guess when one thinks of a map than one is prone to need road signs, or recognizable symbols to avoid getting lost. (Many of us get lost with the minutiate(sp?) of daily events that keep us on a recognizable path, a point marked so we can find our way back to our original starting point. I guess for some of us the original point can be scary or bring meaning and I guess it depends on the brain map we start off with and evntually fill in as time goes on. Here is the final conclusion I came up with in my meandering. We possess each day of our lives the ability to choose. Some people might disagree that they get to choose, and I'll not argue that point. I will simply let you decide if it is true for you and move on with that premise as an agreed upon understanding. I will let you choose. Every day when we wake up we get to choose whatever will unfold in the day's events. We can choose fear, unhappiness, discontent,sickness,spitefulness,narrow-minded thinking, after all we're "human" right? Or we can choose being open minded, have a true compass of our life's work (a brain map if you will)to always take the high road to understanding who we are in time and space. So it begs the question:Do I want my life to unfold with all its vagaries or do I want to "work" at marking my route as I go? If I find myself at a starting point I did not create, or expect, or understand than what direction do I take? I can retrace my steps back to the starting point and move forward, not knowing exactly where I'm going (Oh yes that's right did I mention that I have this box of gifts I can discover and use?) Today, right now I will choose for myself refreshing rest, clear thinking, being fear-less, appreciating my opportunities this day will bring, understanding, meaning, loving myself and loving those who are loveable as well as unloveable. This shall be my "prayer" for today. I choose to live positively, with clarity, patience and love. This way if I find out that I am lost I have left a "mark" on my path.

Life Changes

Finding my life changes comments

March 28, 2012 12:01 PM Sammi Lammi

Editnote 4/16/12 Not a day goes by now that I do not remember something "endearing" about you.

Sammi you always mattered. Please remember your family here on this earthly plane. We love you so much and miss you even more. There was not a day I grew tired or bored with taking care of all your daily needs. Everything was easy. If only I would remember that with the rest of life's cares. Everything is easy. Now there is no more "Hi, Hi, Hi" Good morning Sammi.

No soft mew at the screen door, asking for entrance into the great big room, that was not your space. You loved to sit by me first thing in the morning, acting like my coach, rooting me on to finish my exercises. The one thing I think coaches don't do is sit right on the exercise sheet, blocking the view. But even that little glitch never bothered me, I thought it was so very endearing. I'll always remember you as my "little statue", striking your sweet pose. All of your brothers and sisters have been an inspiration to me. I know I loved Mister but baby girl, you were my sweet love bug. Really!!

Sweet girl, you left far too soon, but I know that there was nothing on this earth that could keep you here. There was always love for you, and still offered up with no comditions. You mattered little girl, you still matter. You will always matter, even after the pain of losing you lingers no more. Did we do the right thing to have you at home in your last hour? I will never ever truly know for sure. I will wait to hear from you as often as you desire. You always mattered, I hope you knew it to be so. Rest now my sweet baby, I will think of you sleeping so peacefully in your box with the warm blankie around you.....only loving thoughts of you, today and every day of my life I promise. I love you!

Year of the Dragon and Sadie with the blue eyes

REMEMBER THIS DATE: January 25, 2012....... While it is a good fortune year being the Year of the Dragon it sadly began with a very somber event, it is the day that we had to put our sweet little Sadie down. Oh what a horrific experience it's been......not knowing the right time, the right moment in which to take the life of the sweetest, grouch puss, and being put thru the wringer is no fun either. But, we moved forward in any case, no matter how much pain it would cause for all concerned.

But! Why are you crying?????? It's just a cat!!!! I've been saying goodbye to Sadie for days now, waiting for the right time. Is there ever a right time? NO! It is as the title of this blog implies---Life Changes and then we die....simple right? Not so simple it seems. It is never simple. Simple is too small a word to describe all the mixed feelings of love, confusion, happiness, sadness, memories, ...........needs, longing, unsaid words, words not decorated with a beauty of the mind to primp it up and make it look pretty.....words of encouragement, cheer and memory. We were told that we would know when it was the right time......I'll return to close this thought..when the right time appears.......and tell of how it looked.

Well it is after the fact of starting this post......and I think I've been crying every day since starting this post........I feel so numb inside my body, sadness overwhelms me,,,,,,,,,ADDED ON 3/4/12 Remember:a saying I heard to denote the sad. "There will always be pain, and the way to deal with it is to make room for it....think on this when you think of the pain.

Sweet Majik

Is it really true that the thing one grieves for has really in it's truest meaning been the very thing that has been a delight? Sadness and delight. What a strange combination for me. Sadness in the letting go of such a miracle who is named Majik. A true gift over all these years, and now to be reminded only in sadness how so near the end is. I want to write so many delifhtful things in memory of Majik and yet my heart is so deeply sad in the choosing of letting him go. Why? I have asked for universal guidance and asked Majik to help us, but there is no answer. Why? My heart is so filled with confusion and to all things there comes an end. This I know and am in denial.
"You're getting to be ahabit with me".......
I don't want to say goodbye.......
I'll be back and try to fill in how my heart feels when I have taken time to assess it all....t's too overwhelming right now. (Added on May 20, 2013) Read my eulogy for Tugger dated this same day.

It's a great day!

A love letter to our beloved Katarina

Monday-- April 4, 2011


Dear Susan,
It’s true what you say about the animals in our lives—they fill all the empty spaces. It also seems that we take time so much for granted. We weary ourselves about the future and sometimes the past far too much. I think dogs and cats or for that matter any living being we bring into our lives are really “lessons” to us about living in the moment.
Living in the moment—that will be my intention today!
Susan we were so moved by your heart felt wishes for the loss of our beloved Katarina. We will share your sentiment to the rest of Katarina’s human family.
The whole experience of making a home for all the animals has not gone without difficulty but we know they have always been loved and we care about them.
We hope you will understand that the gift as you describe it as “something really small” was not taken lightly and not being rejected, it’s just that on so many levels acknowledging our loss is worth far more than you will ever know.

Sincerest Mahalo,

March 19, 2011 in memory of Beloved Katarina

Katarina........why? We wanted you to stay. You slipped away when the party was just starting little girl..... When I look at your picture I only see how beautiful, strong, and young you were. Standing next to your sister, and there on the step is Kuulei, and Tamojin. That's how I will remember you, always.

March 19, 2011

It's true that you didn't talk very much, we knew you were having trouble getting around, and yet you wanted to still go for your walk, even if it meant that it would tire you out. You always seemed so happy. And you know what, it made us very happy to dote over you.

So much has happened since we first met you and your family. So much sadness to lose you one by one to old age and infirmity, and sickness. It was a "gift" of time and attention that we wanted to shower on all of you. In return we received far more than any of you give us. The whole act of care was truly a blessing for us. For all of those who cared for you, even if there were some that only came because it was a job. You blessed them as well. You even blessed the indifferent. Thank you Katarina.....beloved Katarina. We love you little girl.

Phoenix - You were one of a kind

February 9, 2011
You are 6 days ahead and one year behind your brother Mister. You have left us. We loved you but, I think you knew that didn't you? I hope you knew that......I always looked forward to your greeting when we first arrived to the house to walk your brother and sister Katarima and Papi.....I was always, always amazed with your stamina, your ability to live thru so much.....the last time I talked to you I told you to go ahead and leave if you were ready. You took awhile to think it out.....what do you say about such a strong, stuborn, like the energizer bunny you were. Of course noone could brush you to make you look more presentable except for Dr. Basko, who totally "got" your character.

I've often wondered how and why your "Daddy" gave you your names. Phoenix is such a strong and indestructible legendary being. You are legendardy for your adaptability and long-life. But, I miss you little Feeney-Beeney......This is your "NEW" rebirth day. Your Daddy is happy to welcome you into the fold, with Pintas, Rex, Kuulei, Mister, Missus, Soretta, and Tamojin. You were all an inspiration of loyalty, and loving beings. You asked for so little and gave all your love to anyone who loved you too. I do believe you can fly now little feeney beeny, fly little one and say hello to Mister.

Incidental Lives

Just read an article about a person who lives in the ladies room on Victoria. She is 47, has had a really tough life from childhood, is an addict, was abused as a child, had to take care of six of her siblings when she finally got fed up and ran away from home and has lived on the street unless she was doing time in jail for various crimes.

Wow! Incidental indeed. A path taken a life loss to the dark side. She actually had a job, learned a trade but quit after her father died. Why?

Why?

Only God knows what will happen to her.

There for the grace of God, go I, is essentailly what I realized. So many women in her shoes, so many women tossed out at the curb of life. She accepted her life. SHe can't figure out how to get out of the vicious cycle? I don't know. She has a weak character? She never learned that she is such a wonderful human being, who deserves to have a good, and happy life? Is she happy now?

I've been thinking about LK. Wondering where her parents were when she was growing up, to be there to teach her so many things about life. She is a survivor. Otherwise I would not have read about her "Incidental Life". That word bothers me for some reason. As if a chip of wood was cast off from the cutting saw, landing in a heap of saw dust on to the floor, to be swept up and put in the trash. A life only good for the land fill.

Missus

Hi,hi,hi good morning girls! There she would be sitting at the screen door, crying for her breakfast. Wanting to break out past our legs to go and check out whether there was a better plate of food waiting on the floor just feet away. Sometimes, she'd managed to get passed, but mostly she would be distracted and contented to check out her "own" (do I hafta?)bowl to see what was served. There would always be more than enough, more so, that her sister would jump up on the end table and finish off what she was deighn to finish. What a wonderful spirit you are Missus. Your energy filled the room, the house. You were always so brave to explore, venture into unknown territory. You were the first to go through the door separating your room from the porch. There was so much to explore, and explore you did. Jumping up on tables that were too high for you to really get down from, but bravely jump down you did. Our brave little girl. Stubborn, independent, yet wanting a warm lap to cuddle. "She's too fat" Aunty would say. But I tried to explain you were just that "type" of cat, that had that type of body build. You were just right!

Even though we had the privilege of caring for, and loving you all these long months, they were just not enough. And when you came to live with us, we were finally happy that we had made the very best accommodations for you to live, play, and sleep. Much too short my sweet girl.

There are so many "nickle and dime" days in which we enjoyed being with you, taking care of you, finding ways to help you safely explore your world. All those meaningful days and nights seem so dim.Your wonderful light has gone out.

On that last morning when you knew we were coming to open the door for you. Hi, Hi, Hi good morning girls. There you were sitting waiting, not as strong as before, much too weak to try to escape to the kitchen. You simply laid there, with the squeak of a cry only now you could muster. I would watch your sides and think of a bellows with the air going in and out.

I dreamed about what to do for you and was told to wait for the "hand of god". I had no clue what that might mean. I thought on it all day, and then your Daddy came to me and said I want you to send Missus to me. I'll take responsibility for her, don't cry, don't fret I want her So send her to me. I was asked the question about what "handof god" meant. I programmed myself that night and asked for guidance from the universe. Alas, there was no message. I was so frustrated that I had not dreamed. But, strangely I felt so serene and knew that I would do whatever it would take to make you comfortable. I was committed to you. And then you died. I was horrified. Stunned. Heartbroken. What had we done to hasten your passing????? It was time, it was simply time. Your poor organs were just too weak and unable to maintain our being. It was horrible. It was horrible. I don't want to go thru that again. When a another next time comes, I will try my best. But first I remember you Missus.
August 16, 2010. Your brother left us on February 15, 2010. So much heart, so much to love. I love you both even now.

When you think about--------

When you think about ALL of the horrors that have been brought upon this earth how does one deal with it? It's like everything else? Right? It just takes time..... I guess time is the only real cure for the pain. It takes one far, far away from the raw experience and is buried underneath, deep in the brain? It's one of the only real cures that helps you forget? To just be angry does nothing. To be depressed does nothing except rot one's soul. To keep the pain in one's body does nothing except make you toxic and may even kill not only your body but spirit as well.
You can drink to oblivion, or take drugs until you are no good to yourself or to anyone else. To eat? Sex? Kill? Can one talk about raw pain and not be affected by it? If you are watching and listening and feeling?

Dealing with the raw is called "History"....that's why we have history books right? To teach the uniniated about why you are here today and the costs of why you live where you live. All the wars involved living, breathing human beings. They struggled, or caused the struggle. We read about the success of America, the success of civilization. We forget the hunger, the injustices, the annihilation. We don't have war in our street. Right now I want to take time to thank those people who went before me, those I know and didn't know who paved the path to make it smoother. My ancestors, your ancestors. Good or bad our specie thrives because of "them".

When you think about words--------

When you think about words and the use of words or the definition of words which always lead to more words, or how words can be useful in helping someone come to an epiphany, or find solace and comfort, or find ammunition to strike in a hurtful manner, or in a way that will create a world in which humans can thrive one can wonder why God gave us language.

Sometimes when I think about words I am immediately plunged into an ocean of letters. All these letter represent a word. Sometimes when I read at all I get so mixed up with the criticisms of why the other guy is not doing the right thing. It doesn't matter what the subject might be, there is always another perspective in which the conclusions drawn are wrong or maybe half right. Of course needless to say this can also apply to speech.

Don't people get tired of talking about what someone else did and how important the rest of us find in it great importance? Really? You honestly think what a celebrity or a politician or for that matter my neighbor says in the end really is newsworthy?
I'm thinking that somewhere, someone does think it's worthy of talking about.

Look at this latest "craze" twitter.

In the meantime when we're all trying to look more "normal" than the next guy, we read about abuse, violence, fetishes, addictions, predators of all stripes, war, hate, ethnic hatred, you call it out........Okay we can include the word love in all its' definitions.

Words are my only way of getting on the outside what is on the inside of my brain. The words get so jumbled up and the messages of right wrong get all mixed up......inside my head. In the end Make a Difference in the world. Some people already know how to make a difference. It feels so insignifant when it comes to the world! It's a tiny piece and needs to be continually nurtured otherwise we keep forgetting. Look at all the history of humankind. Has life gotten better or does it just seem like it has....as humans we've managed to move forward with great inventions and discoveries. And I hope the human race gets more enlightened.

Is this begging the question of "Who's" enlightenment? What words do you suppose will be the winning ones?

Do you think each generations suffers amnesia?

Memento

Reflect-Where are you
Where do you want to be
What matters most


Rethink-What do you really need
What's possible

What are your negotiables/non-negotiables
Renew Take some time away from the problem
Look at it in a new light
Take a new perspective

Recommit First recommit to you
To those who are important to you
To your highest and best good
And for all concerned in your circle
Don't worry about what the other side thinks, feels about you
BELIEVE IN YOURSELF AND THE JUST CAUSE

Gotta go (Here it is 4/14/10) and I have not a clue why this message was posted.

Sammie, Sadie, and Missus seem to be settling in fairly well, except for those unexpected moments when Missus lets out a blood curdling cry. Oh, yeah I know (she's deaf you know) but it's still a bit startling.

We've been trying to teach her sign language. So far stop or wait, come, and quiet. Does she understand? Who knows? We're hopeful.

Been tring to work on how I feel with "when I grow up.............I'm going to be OLD.

Flying with the Angels my Mister

On February 15, 2010 at approximately 11:30A the most beautiful boy took his last breath. The wheel has turned for Mister. I'm still grieving for that sweet boy! I'll come back to this post later and fill in what is in my heart. It's just too raw, and I miss that sweet black and white with a "pink" nose bundle of fur.

Today is Saturday March 13, 2010
It will be nearly one month since we brought "Mister" home. They put him in a forget me not box. We had a choice to pick out another urn but this one is purrfect.

"I mourn the death of the days" in which I will not see, hear, feel, and love "Mister".....the time was so short. I mourn the BEST of the days in which I had the opportunity to love "Mister", on this physical plane. I want to remember good things, but can't seem to get myself to a place in which the sadness does not overcome the remembering, so I will make short visits here to fill in my feelings. Sleep now my sweet brash boy, who loved to jump up on your daddy's piano and take a pose, when I would call you Mister Jimmy Lam for your journey has ended here on this plane. I know you are loved where you are, but come and visit me often to let me know you are near. Flying with the angels.

Soretta, Soretta

December 13, 2008 we lost another dear sweet fur angel. Sadness overwhelms me as I think about how much Soretta endured before she was released from her ailing body. One thing to remember and one thing to keep us going in the coming days. Soretta was the "boss" and let no one tell her otherwise. It was very clear to the other dogs and maybe even the cats. Cats are a whole other subject I think. Anyway, let's get back to Soretta. A lab-german shepard mix!!! What?????? A big dog. YES!!!!! She pulled more to the lab and the soft nature of a lab. Wow how scared was I when I first met the two lab mixes. But after awhile it got to be second nature to listen to their strong, loud voices. They took nothing for granted and barked at everthing, except maybe on the every other monday when they would be left out of their house to wait for us to show up and take them for their walks. They would be sitting in front of the gate with their sweet faces all expectant and hopeful that they might get a treat beforehand and not one disrespectful bark.
It's so remarkable how time can pass and as often as one thinks they look at something how much for granted we expect that somthing to remain the same. It was not to be so for Soretta. Over the last few months she changed drastically, but life is strange that way. we always were optimistic that something wonderful would happen. Alas, it was not to be so. Did Soretta leave a legacy? Yes indeed. It is to say that loyalty, true blue faithfulness and love is always true no matter how bad times may get. We expected a miracle! Soretta we all love you and miss you very much. I have told Katarina and Papi that they will be alright without you and your guidance. I told them what you said about taking care of your family. Papi doesn't really understand, but I think Katarina will come to accept that you had to leave and that you were so relieved to be out of your body and free of your debilitating illness. Happy! Free At Last! Happy Tails Soretta.

Rex Helmut and Tamojin

On Friday July 11, 2008 little sweet wabbit Rex the wonder rabbit, who lived a very sheltered life along with his good buddy Jason the pigeon, I know, I know it is weird, but their living accomodations would have been different if Rex could have chosen, anyway, the sweet brown rabbit left this earthly plane and altho I really did not experience his passing or whether he is with Fred or not, I must say I really started to see a personality from the little guy. Tamojin was so sick that her dear little body was unable to maintain and she too left us. It is sad, but what a wonderful honor it has been for all of us who work with the animalsto experience their joy of life.

I wanted to memorilize the passing of Rex, cause obituaries are for humans. I wish I had known Rex's history and how he came to live in Fred's menagerie of pets. We all grieve in our separate hearts for the pets, but I know each one of them is very missed and Fred is missed most of all. He has been so grateful to Marsha for showing so much compassion, love, care and attention all these months. We all try to do as much as possible to make each pet comfortable, well fed, happy and exercised. The one animal who has shown such athletic skill has been Papi boy. Our sweet pappillon. He loves to fetch and will go on and on if we let him run for the ball. He seems so bright, cheerful and much more relaxed these days. After all his life as a socialized dog took many turns, but I think he's adjusting to his situation so much more.
Rex I miss your silly antics when we would try to get you back in the hutch. You had such a difficult life, and your bird brother, misses you too. I love you Rex the wonder wascally wabbit!!

A Lazy Sunday

I actually nodded off while I was on the computer an hour ago. Guess that means I am tired. I don't think I did a whole lot today.

Went to Costco to help Patricia buy a TV, well, actually, to give her a ride home. She had picked out a 26" flat TV for about $550. I happened to notice a HP desktop for $999 which was HD TV ready. It had 1 GB RAM, 320 GN HD, 22" flat panel, not much in software, but it did have Vista. Shucks. It had preloaded Works with a 60 day license. I told her my bad experiences with Works not working with Office.

Anyway, she put back the TV and bought the computer. She feels pretty good because she saved herself by not buying a TV and she had planned to spend abut $1,000 for a computer.

I went to Costco to buy paper towels and toilet paper. I ended up replacing most the ink cartridges that we went through printing all the program related materials. PLus, I have printed an inordinant amount of material relating to Fred these past months. I think the ink alone ran around $250! I bought some replacement paper and some household supplies for Fred's (4 packs of swifters - 3 dry and 1 wet). I bought my self a 3-part food warmer. Patricia wondered if I would make use of the warmer. But, I am optimistic that I shall start cooking more at home.

I was going to buy a microwave for the basement, but DLH's concerns about the electrical overloading caused me to stop.

When I got home, Jenny was still crushing pills for Tamojin and Phoenix. She was kinda slow so I helped her. I think she had about 15 packs for Phoenix and 20 packs for Tamojin. Within 1 1/2 hours, we had 60 packs for Tamojin and 40 for Phoenix. I had already dropped off 60 packs for Soretta, last week. My hands and arms are really aching.

I have to roast a leg of lamb for Max and Riley. I will do that before going out for dinner. We are going to YK, again. I like it there. When I get back, I shall cook 10 cups of rice (with chopped veggies). Hopefully, that will allow me to make 30 packs of frozen meals for the two guys.

While crushing pills, we watched Hannibal 3, I think. This is the one with Julian Moore, Ray Liotto, and the actor who always plays, Lector. It seemed a little boring. The scenes where the Liotta's skull is opened and bits of brain are cooked and fed to the drugged out Liotto were pretty disgusting.

PG just came over to ask for a pen. All of hers have run out of ink. Actually, these new pens that I bought from Costco do not seem to last for very long. Maybe, it was just all the addressing of the thank you cards that seemed to use a lot of ink.

Gotta run and put the leg of lamb in the oven!

Last 20 months just disappeared!

I can't believe that it has been 20 months since I posted here. What a shocker. Fred became sick, we rallied around him and tried to create some quality of life for him, and then he died 11 months later on May 1, 2007. Since then, I have been embroiled in a huge dispute which will last for about two years, probably.

So much has happened during the past 20 months. I can barely remember the person who posted here. I think I'll post this and then go back and read about me from years ago.

I feel so much clearer about what I need to do in order to accomplish some of my goals. However, I keep allowing myself to be distracted by life's daily happenings. I am making some changes which will allow me to take charge of my day-to-day activities.

I think the purpose of this Blog was to keep track of the passage of time. I guess I'll read the whole thing to see how well this blog accomplished its purpose.

Today was filled with a lot of activity:

1. Processed and mailed 40 packets for the people who missed the Remembrance Celebration
2. Bought 2007 calendars to keep track of time spent on Trustee matters + buy printer inks
3. Bought cookies for Dick + beer for the Beer Chicken
4. Looked at TVs with Patricia at two stores
5. Bought Casino Royale for Dick
6. Bought a dog brush for Riley
7. Changed bandages for Paula
8. Got a 2 hour massage
9. Went out for lunch @ YK
10. Reviewed Trust files setup be Patricia
11. Took Patricia home
12. Started this post

New Year's Eve

Today is the last day of 2006, and I simply wish to remark on it. If anyone wants to know what happened this year I might direct you to your newspaper where they will surely remind us of the years events. However, simple or complicated life can be I am happy to be here in this time and space. Sometimes I wish I could give so much more, but resources, and energy and resolve are alas to short. But, my heart is full of hope for us all. It will truly be a remarkable 2007, and I wish everyone the merriest. Laugh, love and enjoy the food. Say yes, love and victory to life being excellent. Happy New Year Life Happens blog.

Tribute to MRS

Ever since we've been going over to Fred's house, it has been such a rewarding but yet a grueling experience. There was and is so much to be done and there have been many hands responsible for how the house, yard and Fred looks. My greatest inspiration has been to work along side MRS. She is indefatigueable. While she may have her own health challenges, I have been so impressed by her concern and care of Fred and his menagerie of pets. Many hands have been there, but MRS has been soley responsible for the fate of the house, animals and Fred's care. It is truly remarkable. And I wish to remark on this here in Life Happens. I have witnessed your work and efforts MRS and thank you for your unflagging responsiveness to Fred.

Pintas the kitchen cat

It has been a very long time since anyone at this Blog has written. I have been wanting to memorialize a very sweet and endearing kitty who just passed on 9/9/06. I want to remember Pintas, the deaf kitchen cat. The moment I saw her I was smitten, first because she was deaf and yet managed to let out a soft mew whenever I went to greet her on the dining table. Little did we know she was having health problems that would turn into days of hydration and eventually she let go and went over the rainbow bridge. No one really knows how old she was, and it was speculated probably about 20 years old. That is a very long time. I'm so glad I met her, fell in love with her and was able to see her before she had to leave. Her ailing body was no longer strong enough to work properly. I will surely miss Pintas. I love you Pintas. Now you can fly.

Life Happens

Life happens. This is the name of the blog. Life happens. In my attempt to honor this title I am making life happen by inditing a post. Indite and update is the purpose here. See you later.

2006 - A New Year

This year definitely snuck up on me. During these past two to three weeks, I have been so distracted by:

1. computer problems
2. the kitchen and reading room remodels
3. setting up the library in an organized and coherent manner
4. handling all the year-end related matters (charities and medical and GET)
5. trying to get ready for the 3 week trip coming up
6. getting my husband to all his appointments
7. trying to keep up with my book and magazine reading schedule
8. maybe a small home office remodel
9. completed about 10 to 11 items off my To Do List (yea!)
10. starting a test run with a Mac
11. researching the linux possibilities
12. submitting my poems and really short stories to my new writing site

Anyway, I am beginning to wonder if I am just trying to do too much. I have 134 items on my To Do list. I think I have about 90 left to complete. There are probably another 30 that need to be added. I'll try to update the list today or tomorrow.

There are a lot of items on the list that will not add significantly to my quality of life if they get done. However, what is the answer? Let them slide? I would really like to clear the slate so that I only have To Do's that directly connect to my life goals. Maybe, that will be my overriding goal...no more fru fru goals. I gotta get them done and over with. I need to have Cheryl deal with more of the adminitrative nightmares that go on at my house.

My god! This post is sounding suspiciously like New Year's Goals. How odd. I am rarely moved to make these.

Nope. I am not going to make any goals. I am just going to notice the thought process.

Now get moving! You have some stories to write!

Sony Rootkit - Revisited

This is my final chapter in the Sony Rootkit debacle! The problems with the HP computer kept coming back. I fixed it twice! I think I have about 35 hours invested in this process (the two fixes only). After the second fix, the computer worked well for about a week. Then, suddenly, the computer would no longer play MP3s. I did not know if it could extract any MP3s. I assumed it would not. The computer could still play normal CDs and other sound files. It was just the entire MP3 system that was disabled.

I am pretty sure that all the damaged was caused by either the rootkit or some other software that Sony or another record company hid on my computer. The problems started right after I extracted files from 5 or 6 CDs that I just bought from Barnes & Noble. Three of the CDs were from Sony. I am still angry about all of this. Who do these companies think they are! They must think the public are fools who will never really catch them! I read where Sony has caved in one state. However, I believe they are not being completely honest about what and where the software has been hidden. It is possible that Sony does not even know.

In their arrogance, they were probably sloppy about the writing of the software(s). They did no checking or testing to see how the software would work in real life. This is my main beef! I was a legitimate customer. I did not share files or download illegal copies. I did not want to keep popping my CDs into my players. I play all my music from my computer.

I think for a home system, my computers are pretty secure. I do not engage in risky behavior online. I use a hardwired firewall (with a physical limit to the # of computers which can be on at one time), the Windows XP software firewall, Norton AntiVirus, Spybot Search & Destroy, Ad Aware SE Personal, Spyware Blaster, Ace Utilities and PC Doc Pro 3.5. I update all software on all my computers once a week and scan all my computers once a week. I have never found a virus and only a handful of tracking cookies. I never open email attachments. In the rare case where I am expecting an attachment, I scan with Norton. I have made all the recommended changes to my Internet security settings.

Anyway, I gave up on the computer last Saturday. I reformatted and reinstalled all the original software which came with the HP computer. This took about 2 hours. Then, I spent another 2 hours tweaking the setup - getting rid of all the software I did not want. Then, I had to install all my security related software. This probably took less than an hour. I wanted to have something in place before I connected my computer to the Internet.

What I had forgotten was how long the Windows update process was going to take. First, I had to update all the SP1 files. I think this took about 4 to 5 hours. Then, I had to download and install SP2. This took about 8 hours. Then, I had to download and install all the SP2 updates. I think this took about 4 to 5 hours. After that, I updated all my security software. This took another 3 hours.

Hmm, I lost 4 hours somewhere in this summation. I actually timed it. I started at 6 PM and got to this point at 10 PM the next night. Oh, I remember, I ran into some trouble hooking up my wireless USB adapter. This caused me to waste quite a bit of time. I think I was getting really tired...so made some stupid mistakes! Of course, I did not just sit there staring at the screen while all this was happening. I did check out the Mac that a friend has loaned to me (I am contemplating a move from PCs to Macs). I suspect that the other work I did was not very efficient since I had to keep jumping back to the HP to click OK, etc.

Anyway, all this to get to the point where I installed Microsoft Office.

This whole experience has taught me a few things:

1. I do not need to buy any more CDs from ANY company
2. iTunes is a viable way to get new music that I really want
3. I buy too many Sony products (HD TV, 3 cameras, CDs, etc.) - this will all stop from now on
4. I will never make another MP3 since I will not buy another CD. So, I can get rid of all my MP3 making files
5. backup, backup, backup !! I just got Acronis and bought a new 320 GB external. This is not big enough to back up all my computers. However, my main ones and then just the data files on the other systems. No, wait, this won't work. I do NOT want to go through another SP1 and SP2 update again. Okay, I have to think more on this point.

Tugger, the Cat

A friend asked about my pets. I already had a post of Max, the Dog. So Here are some shots of
Tugger, our British Shorthair.

He tends to usually look very serious. I guess it is because I have never caught him with his mouth open.

He is much more friendly and interactive with me since Max, the Dog moved in. Could he be protecting his territory? He usually comes running when I get home.


Here Tugger is looking a bit more regal... I like this one.

I tried to upload one of kitty shots. However, it was .tiff format. I am not sure where I filed the .jpg version. I really have to get to the To Do that will force me to organize all my photos.

Here is a shot of Tugger listening intently to my Grand-niece's instructions:

Flagging garbage

Hi......I'm back! Oh hi D. Hey where have you been lately? Oh, just trying to live fearlessly. But I came here to discuss what some of the other blogs are starting to do. I'm not shocked by it but I am disappointed to see pornography on blogger. I guess at some point it was bound to happen. There was one well done blog with pictures but done tactfully. So I'm bummed to see this happening, just thot I'd put my 2c worth here. There is the ability to flag the blog, and I'm hoping it went somewhere where somebody will do something about it. I've done my part. See ya!

Out of Control Book Library

About a month ago, I had decided to not buy anymore books until I made a significant headway in reading the books in my personal library.

I've listed the books that bought this month. They were lying around my office waiting for inputting into my book database. This is it! No more new books until I start reading and culling my library.

I agree to only buy a book if I give away a book.

Hmm, this seems a little harsh and probably not workable for me. There are a number of new topics that I still want to learn about. Since I am contemplating switching to a Mac, there is a lot of new stuff to read up on.

OK, here's the new agreement:

I agree to only buy a book if I have read or culled a book from my library. This way, I can build up credits for fast reading and/or culling...12/18/05

1. Writing to Learn: How To Write and Think Clearly About Any Subject At All
2. On Writing Well
3. Writing Articles From the Heart
4. Who Am I?
5. World of Film and Video Production: Aesthetics & Practice
6. Knoppix for Dummies
7. Knoppix Hacks
8. The Elements of Style
9. The Book of Answers: The New York Public Library Telephone Telephone Reference Service's Most Unusual and Entertaining Questions
10. Essential Oils Desk Reference
11. Telling the Story
12. The Book of Myself
13. The Chinese Brush Painting Studio
14. Letters To A Young Poet
15. Windows XP Hacks
16. Credit Scores and Credit Reports
17. Phishing
18. Test Drive Linux
19. iPod & iTunes
20. Indesign CS2 @ Work
21. 50 Fast Photo Techniques
22. 50 Fast Digital Photo Techniques
23. Windows XP Annoyances for Geeks
24. The New Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain
25. Art School, A Complete Painter's Course

Stop Smoking - my history

I started to smoke in 1962. What an idiot! At that time, I was surrounded by smokers. People did not even consider any health implications of smoking. My mother's good friend felt secure because she smoked Kents and it had that supposedly safe micro{something-or-other} filter.

I was a natural smoker. Once, my mother caught me smoking. She thought an effective punishment was to have me sit at the kitchen table and smoke a pack of her unfiltered Pall Malls. After smoking two cigarettes, my mom snatched the pack away from me and called me a smart aleck. I don't remember what other punishments happened. I continued to smoke until my sophomore year in high school. I stopped briefly because of my swim team requirements. Once the year was over, I started right up again.

Finally, in 1973 I stopped smoking, on a lark. I wanted to see if I could do it. No sweat. I did not smoke again for over a year. Then, I was a junior auditor and went out for an inventory observation for a local supermarket chain. The inventory crew was late; it was 10 PM, and I had two hours to kill. So, I bought a pack of cigarettes. Dumb. Within a week I was back to a two-pack-a-day habit!

The habit got out of control. Although, I was smoking light brands, I was now up to four packs a day! I bought cigarettes by the carton (10 cartons at a time). However, based on my 1973 experience, I was not worried. I felt confident that I could quit anytime I wanted to.

Then in 1976, two co-workers challenged me on this belief. They did not believe I could quit smoking for six months. I was so confident that I agreed to a lop-sided bet. If I won, they would only have to take me to dinner. If I lost, I would have to take the two of them to dinner. I was that confident!

What a fool. I lost. Those two guys picked an expensive restaurant. They even ended the evening with brandy and cigars! Surprisingly, I am still on friendly terms with one of the men. The other? I married him eight years later.

Back to my smoking history. I was crushed. I had to accept the fact that I was addicted to cigarette smoking. Over the next 20 years, I continued to smoke. I tried to reduce my smoking by decreeing numerous rules ... no smoking in the car, no smoking in front of people, no smoking in restaurants, etc.

Numerous research studies began to demonstrate the dangers inherent in smoking. I was torn. I did not want to be a failure, again. But, I did want to stop. Information was released (leaked) which showed the tobacco companies began to put more nicotine in cigarettes beginning in the mid 70's. I now knew why it was so easy to quit in 1973. I was less addicted, then. I started to get mad.

I watched the tobacco company executives lie under oath before congress and the American people.

Unacceptable! I thought about all of my smoking money going to these tobacco companies. My money was paying their high salaries. I was paying them to ultimately kill me with their products! I was furious.

On February 1, 1996, I went to an acupuncturist and had some acupressure balls applied to my addiction points. It was difficult to quit. But, it would be more difficult to start smoking. I have not had a cigarette since.

I am confident that I shall not smoke again even though I will always be an addict. My secret? I cannot bear the idea that any of my money supports murderers.

Booklet Ideas

I started to list possible How To booklet ideas on my
On Writing 2 blog. So far, there are more than 100 ideas. I'll aim for 300 ideas. The sources of these ideas are my life experiences, what I already know, what I want to know or who I might know is already an expert on a topic.

This is a lot of work. When I have 300 topics, I'll sort according to my interests and start with the top 100. I'll write an outline:

• why someone would want to read my booklet (very detailed) and the booklet's implied promise to the reader
• what I want to cover (determine if one booklet or a series is more appropriate)
• how I envision the layout - rough outline
• where I plan to find the information (as complete as possible)
• when I can realistically start and finish
• who can help me or where to look for experts

An I missing something? Probably. However, I will continue to add to this outline as my thoughts get clearer.

If the booklets are 100 pages, is it safe to assume each page would be 250 words? So, is a booklet around 25,000 words? That does not seem like enough words to convey so much information. Actually, it would be less because I would hope to add drawings, pictures and other graphics. Let's say, in total, I would have 20 pages of non-words. So, that would leave my with 20,000 words.

Maybe this is where I need to further hone my writing skills. It should not take me more than 20,000 words to explain how to do something. If it did, perhaps I am trying to cover too much territory in a booklet. Maybe, there should be a series.

I wanted to produce clear, concise informative booklets on any number of topics. Oop's, I am jumping the gun here. Depending upon how I bind the booklet, I think there are specific number of pages that should be included. The numbers 128 and 144 jump into my mind.

My information is dated. I shall have to research this. In addition, I plan to Print-On-Demand (POD). I am not sure the POD's impact to a booklet's optimal number of pages.

I guess I should just start on the topics that I am most interested. I would research them anyway ... might as well have a focus and a plan to follow.

Karaoke 12/15/2005

D and I sang for about 4 hours today. I had trouble singing from the correct spot. I am not sure I like my voice. Perhaps I should record it more often. I could make a CD with 14 or 15 of my songs. If I listened to it often, I would get past my voice reactions and begin to really hear what I sound like.

In my lessons, it is difficult to hear when the sound is good. But the time my teacher points it out to me, the sound is only a dim memory. I am trying to stay focused when I sing. I guess there is singing for fun and then, there is serious singing. Serious singing is, well, serious. Can I have fun and still be serious?

I sang 3 or 4 songs from the Broadway show, Aida. This may be the first time I really listened to the lyrics. I had a difficult time staying outside of the story. It was just too sad to bear. I contemplated giving up singing those songs. However, it will be good practice to not get sucked into the emotionalism of a song.

My teacher believes that singers who can communicate with the listener have good acting skills. This may explain my inability to consistently convey a song's meaning. I suspect I do not have much talent for acting. I lack natural story telling skills. Acting is unappealing to me.

Anyway, there is something wrong with my singing. I guess the best thing is to make the CD. That will probably take me about 8 hours to practice and record 14 songs. I do not know where I will find the hours. Maybe, I'll cut out the practicing part. After all, I am simply trying to figure out how to make the sound that I want.

Reading/Idea Room is Done!

Finally! My Reading Room is done!

The shelves have been stripped, primed and painted white. The room has been painted a relaxing light green. The new shelving area (below) the original bookcase is also painted white. Vance, the painter is assembling my new desk. He finished the additional bookcase today. I plan to use this bookcase to control the different research projects as I create them.

I shall move my magazine and book reading into this room. I am also calling this room my Idea Room. I have noticed that I rarely get ideas in my computer room. I think there is just much disarray for me to think.

Here is a representative picture of what my work area tends to look like:

There is just too much distraction for me to stay focused on anything for very long. Actually, this photo is quite organized. I am surprised. There is usually quite a mess behind me. Of course, I have added another computer to my right.

I am looking forward to using my Reading and Idea Room. I am waiting for Cheryl to return from her vacation. I need the books reorganized in the library. I also want them inventoried. I think many books did not make it into my database. Plus, I did give away a couple hundred books during the last donation go around.

If a guest arrives, my room will switch back to a guest room. I'll just pull down the Murphy Bed, voila! A guest room!

Can't wait!

Kitchen Remodel Started

They started the remodel process this morning. I do not plan any changes to the interior of the kitchen. The sun porch will be made a "real" room and open up to the kitchen and the dining room.

They ripped up the astro turf (on the sun porch). I should have taken a shot of the before. I did take quite a few shots of the empty space. I also plan to have them put down a concrete floor outside by the wall. I want to put a disposable BBQ out there.

I plan to have a table high counter where the windows are. There will be room for 3 dining chairs. There will also be a walk in pantry (maybe a 5X5 space). On the other side, they will build a banquette which will seat 3 to 4 people. All the screens will be replaced by solid walls with windows.

I still have to decide on the type windows, flooring, lighting, etc. I feel comfortable with this crew. Eugene and his son, Vance, painted the outside of the house during August 2004. They did a great job and I am still happy with it. . They also finished my Reading/Idea Room. I shall post pictures when I get all the books moved back in the room.

I plan to post updates about the kitchen remodel process as time permits. After this job is done, this crew might also build me an exercise room. Time will tell...

3 Months to Live - What would I Do Differently?

During February 2003, I posted an answer to this question. I just reviewed my answer and was surprised at how differently I feel. Despite this change in feeling, there are still many things that remained the same. I am just going to list the things I would do if I knew my death would be in three months.

• Finalize my estate plan
• Make final care arrangements for my pets
• Give away as much personal property so that my Personal Representative not weighed down with "messy" details
• Shred all non-essential records
• Hire a professional Administrative Assistant (maybe will need two) to complete the books that I have in mind and help me with shutting down everything
• Visit with all my friends and family (have to decide whether to share my death knowledge)
• Prepare farewell letters and include my wishes and dreams for their futures

Why do I not feel a compelling need to complete more of my on-going projects? This time, my list feels more like "just cleaning house".

I went over my To Do list see why there was no need to complete them before my death. The To Do list presumes my life continues. It presumes I continue putting one foot in front of the other in the walk of life. With my death, the tasks become meaningless.

I want to have some vital projects (not many, though) that need to be finished before I die. Of course, I will always have a myriad of "busy work" (it is in my nature), but I need to focus on the goals that will really matter to me.

Perhaps I should revisit my Five Signature Strengths. I tried to link, but I guess the post is too old. I'll paste here and then edit out extraneous data:

Five Signature Strengths
These are my top 5 strengths according to the free online test maintained at the Dr. Martin E. Seligman site based on his book, Authentic Happiness. The descriptions are from the website.

The point is to try to use each strength on a daily basis in order to achieve true happiness. The challenge has been to incorporate these strengths into my daily life. I have not been doing a lot of thinking about these strengths. I am not sure where to go now.

This post has shown me that somewhere I have lost focus on what brings me true satisfaction and happiness.

1. Curiosity and Interest in the World

You are curious about everything. You are always asking questions, and you find all subjects and topics fascinating. You like exploration and discovery.

This is still true for me. But there's no real plan or purpose. My interests go all over the place and probably end up going nowhere. I tend to be interested in whatever I happen to be looking at at the moment. This lackadaisical attitude feels self-indulgent and purposeless.

2. Forgiveness & Mercy

You forgive those who have done you wrong. You always give people a second chance. Your guiding principle is mercy and not revenge.

Wow, this strength has definitely not been a part of my life since 911! Gosh, I am stunned by the waves of anger I still feel about what happened in America. I have definitely been sinking into an "us against them" mentality.

This is my second highest score. Unbelievable. I cannot deal with this right now. Will have to let this one percolate for a while. Daily basis. I can feel myself resisting where this is leading.

3. Love of Learning

You love learning new things, whether in a class or on your own. You have always loved school, reading, and museums - anywhere and everywhere there is an opportunity to learn.

True. I feel I am more structured here. I tend to read books on certain topics. It is hard for me to be "flighty" when I am reading a 300+ page book on a specific topic. Of course, I usually read 3 or 4 books concurrently.

4. Zest, enthusiasm and Energy

Regardless of what you do, you approach it with excitement and energy. You never do anything half-way or half-heartedly. For you, life is an adventure.

True. I get totally involved with everything that I do. There are exceptions: accounting for more than an hour, tax return preparation for more than an hour, clearing out clutter for more than 30 minutes, organizing my computer files, clearing duplicate items, ...

I start out with these activities with the best of intentions, but get distracted by the most ridiculous items. The problem is that they do not feel ridiculous at the moment.

Obviously, I need to look harder at my true intentions. I wish my brain functioned in the pre-accident manner. It used to be so reliable; now it acts like it has a mind of its own!

5. Bravery and Valor

You are a courageous person who does not shrink from threat, challenge, difficulty, or pain. You speak up for what is right, even if there is opposition. You act on your convictions.

I do not feel I am satisfying this strength at all. Nothing I do on a daily basis requires this strength. Of course, I do try to live my life to the fullest even though my "hand" has changed drastically. Perhaps trying to find my way now takes a certain amount of courage.

I know I do not want to sit back and let life pass me by. I still believe I have a contribution to make. I am fearful of losing myself amidst my life's irrelevancies. One of the hardest areas of damage is my inability to prioritize my actions according to any long-term plan.

Well, after all of this, has my list of Things To Do before I die changed? Not really, However, I have a lot to think about. Maybe I should print the 5 Strengths on a card and carry it around with me...like a memory jogger. I would try to remember to view the card three times a day.

Just a thought.

I had another thought...Maybe I should go retake the test. Perhaps my scores will have changed. That should be interesting. I shall try to do that later today.

12/17/05

I just retook the test. I forgot how long the test was...more than 200 questions. My results surprised me. #1, #2 and #5 remained the same, but the scores were significantly stronger.

1. Curiosity and interest in the world

My scores for this strength were amazing. Apparently, my scores are as high or higher than 100 percent of the people taking the test. I guess this is definitely my number #1 signature strength.

2. Forgiveness and mercy

Surprisingly, these scores also got higher too. Ohhh, I get it now. I am not at all interested in getting revenge for 911. My feelings are associated with the need for a strong defense and the need to protect Americans. This is still a hard strength for me to understand. I shall re-read this section of the Authentic Strength book to see how to satisfy this strength on a daily basis..

3. Creativity, ingenuity and orginality

Thinking of news ways to do things is a crucial part of who you are. You are never content with doing something the conventional way if a better way is possible.

I have never considered myself as particularly inventive. I should probably ask other people for their opinion on this one. However, most of my friends are pretty nice and diplomatic. I can't image them telling me that they considered me to be unimaginative, mundane, routine.

I do not look for solutions just to be different. If it works, great! I want to move on to the next step...not worry about building a better mouse trap.

4. Hope, optimism and future-mindedness

You expect the best in the future, and you work to achieve it. You believe that the future is something that you can control.

This is really odd. I have never thought that the future was controllable. Of course, the future is determined by the sum of what we have done-to-date. I guess in that sense, we do control our futures.

5. Zest, enthusiasm and energy

This is still the same for me. I was surprised last time that it was not higher on the list. Again, the scores are significantly higher than the last time. It still dropped on the list (used to be the #4 strength).

The two strengths that dropped from my top five list are Love of Learning and Bravery and Valor.

It makes sense that Love of Learning dropped from the top five. After all, I have been reading hundreds of books for the past three years, absorbing as much information as possible. I feel like a water logged sponge. I now need to do something with what I have learned.

Bravery & Valor? Have I become more fearfull or have other strengths pushed this one to sideline? Actually, I am happy that I no longer have to go charging at windmills (gg)!

Chinese Watercolor Painting

Next month I plan to start a night school course on Chinese Watercolors. I also just bought a book on Chinese Brush Painting techniques. Until tonight, the pictures appealed to me. Just a few strokes convey so much feeling and sense of place. I especially enjoy drawings of bamboo, leaves and flowers.

A Chinese restaurant that I visit at least once a week, has pictures of horses that are simply amazing. Minimal brush strokes, yet I can feel the horses' power and "see" the rippling muscles. I wanted to learn to paint like that.

Tonight, though, I visited an artist's gallery (Wilfred Hildonen, a Norwegian artist living in Viseu, Portugal) and was blown away with the raw energy in his paintings. Suddenly, the watercolors (except for the horses) began to pale in my mind. I think the artist uses oils and acrylic. I will go back later and link to his gallery. I am not completely sure how to do that. But, I'll give it a try.. I am now looking at watercolors as only a beginning, perhaps. I shall just have to see...

Sony Rootkit & MP3 Problems & Hidden Files

Updated 12/14/05 at the bottom:

HP Computer
I thought that I had fixed the problems. However, on Saturday, I started to have connection issues (internet and my network) on the HP computer. On Sunday, I attempted to play an MP3. I got the same error message as before - waveout file not supported! I put in a regular CD and the music played fine. Again, anything to do with MP3s (extracting or playing) has been disabled on that HP computer.

On the day that the problem started, I was working with 5 to 7 CDs. Two were Sonys (one brand new and one old). However, there were 4 other brand new CDs. Sony released a listing of which CDs had the rootkits. My CDs were not on the list. I am not sure Sony's list was complete. Plus, I think there are more software issues that Sony has not owned up to. They may not in the ear future because of the current litigation and the threat of future litigation.

I give up. I am going to reformat the HP hard disk and start all over with that computer. I am sick of trying to fix the computer. I have already wasted 15 to 20 hours trying to get the HP ship-shape. Plus, some of those hours were paid for.

Update 12/15/05: I have not reformatted this computer because the data files are not backed up yet. In addition, I wanted to try the Linux boot disk that I just bought. I have to finish all of this before tomorrow because Scott comes in around 1 pm to work on specific projects. I would hate to have to waste his time on routine matters.

Older Dell Computer
I used Rootkit Revealer on my older Dell. I think the software's name is very inaccurate. It found about 150,000 files! I was shocked. Then I started to examine all the files. Hmmm... How odd.

The software listed ALL my excel worksheets. Why would it do that? The diagnostic was that the file was hidden from API. I am not sure what are the consequences of that. Although, on the HP computer, none of my excel files were tagged. Guess I shall have to try to figure out why the excel files got tagged.

In addition, the Rootkit Revealer showed 1,000's of cookies. Huh? How was this possible? I routinely delete cookies from my computer. When I looked closely at the cookies, I saw they dated back to 2001 (when I got that computer). These cookies were not in the cookie folder, but were in a folder called Temp Internet Files.

I went through the step to delete all cookies and temp internet files. Nada. The files were still there. When I tried to manually delete the files, I started getting kicked out of File Manager and getting the error message to send Microsoft a diagnostic. Since I could d not scroll down the folder without a lockout, I tried Select All and then Delete. This visibly worked.

However, when I checked the properties for the Temp Internet Files folder, there was about 140 MB in 5,000 files and 28 folders. What was that? I checked another computer and saw a similar situation (75 MB in 2,500 files and fewer folders). I had already asked the system to not hide any files from me.

Update 12/15/05: Looks like this folder is the same folder which appears in all the various users (under Documents and Settings). When I went through each user (I have never used any of these accounts) and deleleted all the files in ... C:\Documents and Settings\Administrator\Local Settings\Temporary Internet Files the problem was resolved. That is good because I was starting to have visions of Microsoft planting hidden software on all system to ...

Newer Dell Computer
Since I am waiting for a call from a Microsoft techie, I shall try to see if he will answer this question too. I downloaded their beta spyware detection software on my newest Dell. I ran the software and it detected one spyware which it deleted. I used Spybot Search and Destroy and it found another.

After installing the Microsoft beta software, my desktop acts screwy. It keeps resetting the theme to XP (which I hate). I have to manually set it back to Windows Classic each time I cold boot the machine. What a drag. I left a message at Microsoft Support and a Live body (from India) called me. He had me uninstall the software, eliminate cookies, temp internet files and history. Great, this seemed to work.

Unfortunately, the fix did not last long. The next day, when I started up the computer, it was doing it again. In addition, I lost my Show Desktop icon. When I try to use it, I am told that it is a missing shortcut and Show Desktop.scf cannot be found. I don't use the icon very often, but I do like to figure out why things happen.

Anyway, I shall try to see if I can get the Microsoft techie to answer my questions:

1. Why does the theme reset itself each time I cold boot?
2. What happened to my Show Desktop file?
3. What files and folders are hidden in the Temp Internet File folder on all my machines?

Hopefully, the continuing saga of my Computer Woes will come to a successful conclusion! I do plan to reformat both the HP and the Older Dell. However, I am not ready because I still have to backup all my data files.

Update: Today is Tuesday 12/13/05 2:30 AM. The Microsoft techie did not call me on Sunday as promised. I wonder if I need to call them again...

Update: Today is Wednesday 12/14/05. The Microsoft Techie (Michelle) called me at around 9 am. We just finished around 10:30 am. She was not able to help. Her department is the Virus department.

I had already ascertained that I did not have any detectable virus, spyware or adware. So tomorrow, I have to call another number for help in replacing the missing system files which the Microsoft Spyware beta program may have deleted.

On the hidden files in my Temp Internet Folder (under my user account in Documents and Settings section), she suggested that I start to empty the same folder under the other user accounts (Administrator, default, etc). I did this and I now only have 13 MB in 1,400 files. This looks about right since I still have 2 IE5 folders in two other user accounts.

According to Michelle, Microsoft leaves the IE5 files there. I am not sure why...

GlitterGraphics

This was fun! I just went to their site, typed in the above, copied the code and pasted it here. Plus, it was free! I am going back to check out the site. There are a lot of other things available at the site. I got the link from the Presurfer Newsletter:

The Presurfer is a Presurfer Production.Other Presurfer Productions are: THE GENERATOR BLOG.The Generator Blog is not about those machines used to change mechanicalenergy into electrical energy. It's about software that creates software.Software to play around and have fun with.Currently there are 462 generators mentioned. http://generatorblog.blogspot.com/

The code for the dancing letters came from

http://www.wobshite.co.uk/b3ta/letters/

I am not sure why this link is not live. I copied it from the address bar. It was fun playing around with these letters. I spent some time checking out the generators mentioned by the Presurfer. Some were fun. I did not realize how much time I just wasted tonight. I had plans to finish a few things, but got sidetracked again.

Just added: My friend said that the bouncing letters made her tired. Hmmm.

Early spring cleaning

M, M, M
Did I cause you undue concern on clearing out some of the old posts? Gosh! I should have let you know in advance maybe. But the other day after looking at the blog, I thot it a good idea to free up some space for you since you are now comng to the blog more often. Let's call this an early spring cleaning. ;-) Besides, most of the posts are dated and all my thoughts seemed tiresome and dreary. Just like the last two days have been. I cannot believe how this dark and dismal weather has made me feel. It started out a nice sunny morning and now there's a steady drizzle. OK as I'm sitting here it's starting to pour down. So I'll go back to hotmail now and send you a note there as well.

Organized To Do List by categories

I exported my To Do List and inserted categories. In the process, I learned how to make drop down lists in Excel. Actually, the drop down list process was pretty intuitive. I guess I just started out knowing that it should be able to be done in Excel. I had about 20 categories and 114 To Do's.

So, now I have a hard copy 4 page list of my game plan for the next 6 months. I have already finished 12 of the 114 tasks. Nofor t too bad a major league procrastinator! As I think of other projects, I shall start a 2nd To Do list, maybe I'll call it Future To Do's. That way, I will not forget the new ones, but I won't go into overwhelm either.

However, if something comes up that is a ticking time bomb, I shall try to finish it without worrying about any list. The two big categories that I have are MRS Has To Do and Computers. Bummer! Oh well, I'll get to practice staying on target.

There are only 102 items left on the list. If I did one To Do a day, I will be done
by 3/11/2006! Of course that is not possible...there is a 20 day trip in January and 14 Sundays. That takes me to 4/14/2006. Hmm, I don't think I will be working on To Do's when my 1040 will be due.

Say, maybe my 6 month estimate is a pretty solid time frame. Some projects probably cannot be done in that time frame. I want the kitchen renovated and a new exercise room added to the house. With the construction boom here, I don't think I can get the work done within 6 months. Especially since I am not really willing to pay top dollar.

I had added two To Do's that I thought were a good idea.

One To Do was to read a book on how to take notes because I never really learned to take notes (I just listened intently). Now that I am moving more toward writing, I can see that I am going to have to sharpen my research skills (necessitating better note taking skills). I would hate to do a lot of research and have my memory fail me again. Today, in the library, I was scanning the kids section for an I Spy book (to help with my visual acuity) and there on the shelf was a 98 page booklet, Note Taking Made Easy. Now that is life supporting me!

The second To Do was to read a book on writing screen plays. I want to see what it takes to write a screen play. Anyway, I was reading The Everything Creative Writing Book and there was a chapter on writing screenplays!

I was going to call these happenings some sort of synchronicity because I feel supported in my push into the writing arena. However, I looked up the word synchronicity and I am not sure my useage would be correct:

Coincidence of events that seem to be meaningfully related, conceived in Jungian theory as an explanatory principle on the same order as causality.

Well, maybe the word will work in my case. I don't know why definitions can't be clearer. This one seems pretty hedgy to me. Oh well...

LimeWire and FTC statements

Good grief. The LimeWire section seems to indicate that if I download I will be in violation of the copyright laws. But, the FTC document seems to explain how to setup the filesharing software to avoid security issues, spyware and other problems. Obviously, I have to research this a little harder.

Well, looks like my solution is not a solution at all. As far as I can tell, the songs that I want would all be copyrighted. Therefore, I would not be able to legally get those songs. I guess I am going to have to give up on any new music until I have more confidence is the CDs offered in the stores. Too bad.

Updated 12/03/2005: I just saw a reference to iTunes and their 99 cents per song price. This sounds like a good deal. I shall check them out and see if they might offer the kinds of music that I normally buy.

Swearing off the purchase of CDs had a good side benefit. I was completely out of space for storing my CDs. I have 4 huge boxes in storage (for B) and about 200 in my office and 200 in B's CD changers. There is always a silver lining to everything.

The rest of this post is a copy of the Limewire statement on Copyright Infringement and their quote of an FTC statement on file sharing. I'll leave it posted here as background information:

Copyright Infringement: Copyright laws and laws pertaining to patents and inventions protect original works of authorship and inventions. Individuals who reproduce, distribute copies, receive copies, publicly perform or display works or inventions other than their own and without the consent of the owners or holders of rights, or their authorized agents, in original works of authorship or inventions, may be in violation of copyright, patent or other intellectual property infringement. Lime Wire LLC does not encourage or condone the illegal copying of copyrighted material. This is not intended to be legal counsel or advice. If you have any questions, consult your attorney.

Excerpt from FTC document "File Sharing: A Fair Share? Maybe Not":

Shared Folders File-Sharing: A Fair Share? Maybe Not.
Every day, millions of computer users share files online. Whether it is music, games, or software, file-sharing can give people access to a wealth of information. You simply download special software that connects your computer to an informal network of other computers running the same software. Millions of users could be connected to each other through this software at one time. The software often is free and easily accessible. Sounds promising, right? Maybe, but make sure that you consider the trade-offs. The Federal Trade Commission (FTC), the nation's consumer protection agency, cautions that file-sharing can have a number of risks. For example, when you are connected to file-sharing programs, you may unknowingly allow others to copy private files you never intended to share. You may download material that is protected by the copyright laws and find yourself mired in legal issues. You may download a virus or facilitate a security breach. Or you may unwittingly download pornography labeled as something else. To secure the personal information stored on your computer, the FTC suggests that you:• Set up the file-sharing software very carefully. If you don't check the proper settings when you install the software, you could open access not just to the files you intend to share, but also to other information on your hard drive, like your tax returns, email messages, medical records, photos, or other personal documents.

MP3 issues and the rootkit problems

I have decided to stop buying any new or used CDs. The MP3 and sound card problems took me hours to resolve. I despise the idea that the recording companies feel they can alter my computer just because they do not like the fact that I listen to MP3s instead of their tiny CDs.

I still have not had the time to research the tagging issues of the MP3s that I do have. I plan to get to that tonight. Gosh, time is so short these days. This time shortage is compounded by my trying to get at least 8 hours of sleep each night. I just hate wasting so much time sleeping. However, I believe that sleep deprivation causes more health problems that I am willing to live with.

Two or three months ago, I bought a iPod Mini (6 GB), but have not had the time to open the box. However, because of the Sony CD problems, I plan to setup the iPod with about 1500 songs. This will lessen the pressure I'm feeling to resolve this entire MP3 controversy.

My brother does not understand why I insist on getting involved with all these technology related problems. All he feels is a sense of overwhelm and utter frustration. Technology makes him feel stupid and old. I wish I could share with him how exciting I find technology. I sometimes feel like a kid in a candy shop. Even in the middle of a crisis, I feel involved and interested.

Maybe the accident has allowed me to appreciate what my brain is capable of. In addition, I really want to create a lot of extra capacity in my brain. I do not want to suffer from Alzheimer or other cognitive problems when I get a LOT older!

Since I am not going to buy anymore CDs, I'll need to locate a download site for the music that I want to get. R told me about the site that he uses:

http://www.limewire.com/english/content/home.shtml

I am still not sure what the fees are. Look like for $20, I can download their Pro software (not bundled with anything else) which lists some good benefits. However, I want to figure out how they are making their money. I don't want to be involved with anything like Napster or a site that the recording industry is drowning with rubbish and viruses.

I am sure I will be saving a lot of money. I don't buy that many CDs each year (maybe 50 a year). But, if I only have to pay for the songs that I really want, then it will be a bargain. Of my recent purchases, only Linda Eder's Broadway My Way was outstanding. I think she had 14 songs on her CD and I really liked 11 of them. Usually, I find only one or two songs that I really like on a CD.

Perhaps, the recording industry did me a favor. They got me to focus on the entire CD purchase. My conclusion is that the benefits of owning my own CD are far outweighed by the potential for damage the recording company can do to my computers.

Four Japanese poems

Tanka -5-7-5 – 7-7 - with title

Max's Life

Max prances proudly

blue leash bright 'gainst his white fur

head and tail held tall
.
He knows the secrets of life
eat, sleep, and have a good job

Lantern 1- 2- 3 -4 -1 - Title

Life Path
.
life
serves as
a doorway to
time

Haiku 5-7-5 Nature

leaves dance in the wind
like cacophonous geese herds
all talking at once

Senryu – 5-7-5 – people

selling newspapers
on the busy street corner
for fumes and quarters

Lara Nalle story - about 1,500 words

Lara Nalle insisted on meeting me. I was anxious. After all, she was a well-known journalist, and yet she wanted to interview me. Hmmm, had I done something wrong, somewhere? Was she going to ambush me in this interview? Was I being too paranoid? Since her call yesterday, my anxieties have been growing exponentially.

“This is ridiculous,’ I told myself. “You have never done anything criminal. What in the world are you so nervous about?”

The doorbell rang. This was it. She entered the room, shook my hand and sat down facing me. Not a hair was out of place. Her suit looked as though it was newly pressed.

“Call me Lara. Now, let me get right to the point,” she said. “I want to hire you to reinvent me.”

“Huh?” I said intelligently. “Um, how can I do that for you?”

“Well, I have heard that you have helped many people find their true path in life. I am not sure how you do it, but my contacts say that you have special listening skills which allow you to really hear what people are saying under all their surface words. Please, reinvent me,” she requested again.

I didn’t know what to say. I’d never considered that what I did in any way helped a person “reinvent” themselves. How can I explain to her that I am never sure if the “extra’ information will be there for me? What would happen if we talked for a while and no “extra” information came through? Would she be upset and feel betrayed? I have never been in a situation where I had to produce information-on-demand.

Trying to buy myself some time to think about my response, I asked Lara, “Tell me more about yourself and why you want to reinvent yourself.”

“I have been a journalist since graduating from college. My sole goal has always been to uncover illegal secrets and disclose them to the public. I believe that evil cannot survive in the light-of-day or under public scrutiny. Evil can only flourish in the dark and when people are unaware. After 35 years, I am tired. I have spent my whole career looking at the underside of life. I want to start seeing the upper side of life!” she exclaimed.

A little light started to glimmer in the back recesses of my mind. Maybe, Lara just needed to pull back and look at things in totality, verses one-dimensionally. Maybe, this wouldn’t be too hard after all…

“Lara, I’m not sure that you need to reinvent yourself. In your career, you focused your vision microscopically on this country’s “wrong-doers”. However, I suspect, your vision has always been more expansive than you allowed it to be.”

“No! No, no, no!” Lara vehemently interjected. “I mean, you’re right, my vision is, essentially, microscopic. However, I gotta disagree that there are more settings to my vision. When I try to pull back to get another perspective, I just get confused and lose my focus. My stories meander and lose their punch. I can’t get back to my main premise. Plus, my editor then slashes everything I write. Sometimes, they won’t even buy the article. I write better if I can just stay focused on the issues at hand.”

“Better?” I queried. “Or, are you forced to write stories that your editor thinks will sell verses the real story behind the supposed wrong-doing?”

“Supposed! Lara yelled. “Are you saying that I’m making up my stories?!! I would never do that! I have a lot of journalistic integrity. I know there have been a lot of scandals recently about reporters making up their stories. I have never done that. I would never do that!”

“Lara, please calm down.” I said, trying to sound reasonable. “I am simply trying to understand your writing process. I worry when you said that you get confused and lose your focus when trying to obtain another perspective. That says to me that something about your main premise is unable to remain coherent under analysis.

Let’s try an experiment. Interview me as though you thought I was a crook who just defrauded an elderly lady of her life savings. Here are the supposed facts. An elderly woman has brought charges against me. She told the police that she came here with $50,000 in cash. When she left, she did not have all of the money she thought she came with. She could only find $500. She says that I must have drugged her with the tea because she cannot recollect what happened in my apartment.”

I jotted some notes on a piece of paper and put the paper in the desk drawer. I faced Lara. She had a hard, steely look in her eyes. I felt a shiver of anxiety. Why did she look a little out of focus? She seemed way too intent, and I was beginning to feel a little uncomfortable.

“Well, what happened here? Why did she come here with $50,000 in the first place?” Lara demanded to know. “Why does this woman not remember what happened in your apartment? What kind of tea did you serve her?”

“Actually, the woman came here with 500 one dollar bills. The bills were stuffed in a bank bag. She left with the bag intact. When she arrived, she announced that she had $50,000 and offered..." I started to say, but quickly Lara cut me off.

"Ah Ha! So you were like one of those gypsies offering to do some outrageous service for the $50,000. Tell me, what you promised to do for the $50,000?" she asked but also managed it as a sneer.

"Well, no actually, she arrived without an appointment. I had not been expecting her..." I tried to explain. I was starting to worry about the outcome of this exercise.

“Why don’t you just come clean? You stole the money and are trying to cover it up. People like you are a plague on society and someone should do something to get you off the streets! It is my duty as a reporter to put the community on notice that a snake like you is living and flourishing in their midst” Lara spewed out at me.

“Lara, Lara! Do you remember that this is just a made-up exercise? You came here asking to be reinvented…”!

“Don’t try to distract me with irrelevant information! I now know what you are. I shall make sure that you don’t get away with it. What was the old lady’s name? No wait, you would probably only lie to me. I shall get it off the police report. I don’t need to talk to you anymore.” Lara said as she rushed from the room.

I was completely flummoxed.

I sat in the chair wondering what had just happened. Was she for real? Good grief, was she on the way to the police station? What had I stirred up? Lara Nalle must be a certifiable nutcase. How could she work at the Daily News? Actually, she did not really seem like a reporter. She seemed able to invent news on-the-spot. What about her claims that she wanted to be reinvented? Was this some sort of horrible practical joke?

The doorbell rang. I opened the door and Lara and a somber and very serious looking police officer were standing in the doorway. I let them into the living room. Lara glared at me. The police officer opened his little black book.

“Ms. Nalle reported a crime perpetrated in your apartment. She stated that you embezzled $49,500 from an elderly woman. We need the woman’s name since we have no police report on file. Please assist us in this investigation and I’ll be able to put a good word in for you” the police officer said in an extremely reassuring manner.

I went to the desk and retrieved the paper I had jotted notes on before starting the exercise with Lara. I handed the paper to the police officer.

Lara: The woman withdrew the money from the bank and the bank teller actually stole $49,500 by giving her 500 one dollar bills (instead of 500 one hundred dollar bills). If you look at the whole picture, you should be able to ferret out the facts. Do not assume anything. By the way, she did not have tea with me.

The police officer looked confused and handed the paper to Lara who paled as she read it.

“Ohh, I am so sorry. I now remember. This really was just an exercise between us. I am so embarrassed! How could this have happened? My god! I must need help.” Lara cried out as she slumped to the sofa.

I walked the police officer to the door after assuring him that I was not planning on any actions against Lara or the station. After closing the door, I turned to face Lara.

What could I say to her? Should I ask her to just leave? We started the exercise so that I could better understand her writing process. She seemed more like a candidate for a creative writing class instead of an investigative reporter.

Bingo!

“Lara, have you ever considered changing careers? How about writing fiction? I know an excellent Creative Writing class just starting…” I told her.