Yesterday, I meant to write some things here after D and M left the house. However, I was overcome by sleepiness. How weird for me to be sleepy. I think this actually happening more frequently. I suspect that it might be food related. Last night, ate Chinese and could not stay up late. Yesterday, ate Japanese and went to sleep early. There was one other time this week (let Max stay in bed until 3 AM when I briefly awoke and crated him). By the time I went to bed (it was early), I could barely keep my eyes open. That is why I left Max on the bed. Anyway, I am going to try to monitor this sleepiness. If it continues, I shall see a doc (good Virgo that I am).

I need to write about yesterday because a lot of stuff happened!

Dr Frank made an observation that needs follow-up. He agreed that I have changed, but cannot put his finger on it. However, he does not want me to obsess about it because he feels the changes are good and constructive. However, Dr Frank probably does not appreciate my compulsion to pin down whatever is going on in my head. I really want to make sure I understand the change. Is this a temporary difference that will wear off? Or will it continue and evolve to another different level?

Why do I need to know this?

When I was 13, I discovered astrology and handwriting analysis. I instinctively embraced the fields. It felt as though I had discovered a way to double check my reality. When I read about my astrological chart, I was shocked that something outside of myself could provide so much insight into my behavior and feelings. I felt I had discovered a reality gauge. As long as what I read "jived" with my perception of reality, then "all was well on the western front". When there were differences, I would spend time focusing more deeply into the area. I place less reliance on personality tests because there is a greater chance that I slant the results unconsciously when answering the questions.

When I studied handwriting analysis, there were some things that I noticed in my handwriting that I did not like (at the time). So, I deliberately tried to change my handwriting. As a young person, my handwriting indicated a cheerfulness that I interpreted as silliness and to mean someone not to be taken seriously. Remember I was 13! So, I tried to emulate a more serious and intellectual pose in my handwriting. I am not sure this worked, but I did lose my sense of humor and became more dour in my outlook. Now, I sometimes see a semblence of my 13 year-old penmanship creeping back into my handwriting.

Anyway, given my need to get a handle on my thinking process, these recent happenings are somewhat disconcerting. Fortunately, I do not often remember to obsess about this. It usually happens when I blog or talk to Dr Frank.

SD called yesterday because she had a tele run-in with the process server and she was upset. I told her that I would just call another one for her and she could take it from there. I was not sure if she wanted me to call the guy and check him out. However, I have enough on my plate and did not want to talk to a verbally abusive process server. Why is it that SD gets into these situations where she gets abused by other people? Dick would call her a "little rain cloud person". Maybe it is as simple as that. Or, it could be that we attract what we most fear...the fear creating the stickiness which pulls in the experience we are dreading. Difuse the fear and change our reality.

When I was around 36, I came to the conclusion that the state must have started a new pesticide campaign because I rarely saw those jumbo cockroaches (747s) anymore. I started to ask around. People looked at me like I was strange. No, no one had heard of a new pest control campaign. Hmmm, what happened to the 747s which have plagued me for my entire life! Where did they go? I wanted to find out (in case they were coming back!).

One day, it came to me. My fear of roaches had greatly diminished over time. Since I was not as terrified of them, I ceased to notice their presence! I changed my reality by were I focused my attention. Wow, what power. I have used this approach many times, I think. My problem (with changing my reality) is that the change tends to be so complete that I don't remember the "before" period too clearly.

Stopped at 9:22 am

Returned at 11:49 pm
I can't believe that I got so lost on this topic. I just wanted to recap Dr Frank's opinion as to what might have trigger the change for me. Anyway, he felt that I was getting quite upset with the way Dick was NOT handling his health issues. Then, when Dick went into the hospital, I thought that he might die. Suddenly, when confronted mortality, the stress may have caused things to snap into place. Suddenly, I did not have all the time in the world to accomplish what ever I needed to. Need to keep reflecting on this insight to see if it resonates as truth.

Returned at 12:19 am
I know that I had a lot of other stuff that I wanted to write about. However, the lost child incident has totally wiped whatever my thoughts were from my mind. I am not sure what to do. My dim memory says that some important stuff happened on 12/26. I need to call it a night. Hopefully, tomorrow will shed some light on whatever else happened on Thursday, 12/26/02.