A Day of Upsets and Worries

Yesterday was a total bust. By the time I went to lunch I was so depressed and unable to function. My first try at a newsletter bombed. I could not get anything to fit and the papes looked like a total mess. Copied enough stuff from these blogs to create about 12 or so articles. Never got beyond trying to fit 2 of those articles. I was unaware of feeling much more than frustration when I went to lunch. But, I did get a surprising reply to an article that I had forwarded to D. Apparently, she she did not see any humor in what I sent. That caused me to feel bad, but I still figured "humor" is such an individual thing and thought that I would reply later when she had a chance to calm down.

On my way to lunch, I talked to J about the kids. Jen is convinced her mom was sending her to Sacred Hearts and Jerry has his heart set on Iolani. I was concerned about the financial part of their plans and the crushing disappointment I could see looming in the near future. I asked J if she was aware that the Jen is discussing Sacred Hearts as though it were a done deal. J felt that Jen did not truly believe that she has J's agreement that she is going to Sacred Heart. Huh? Was I not speaking English? Sacred Hearts is all that Jen has been talking about for the past 2 weeks! Judy took her to an open house at the school where Jen saw her best friend there. J told me that after the other girl's parents saw Jen, that clinched it for them. They said "if Jenny is going here we will send their daughter". Apparently, J did not do anything to clarify the situation. She is still unconcerned and feels that Jen will understand that there are no funds to pay for Sacred Hearts. J did feel that the school would be good for Jen because is it an all girls' school. She felt the tuition was not that high, about $5K per year.Jen will ne going into the 5th grade. Jen has asked J to help her ask the grandma for the money, this Saturday. This does not feel like a good choice. Her grandma has not (in the past) appeared willing to help with Jen's or Jerrys' education expenses. The grandma complained to J's siblings when she paid a monthly tuition of $70 for some extra tutoring for Jim. I told J that with the continuing stock market losses, I would not be able to commit the funds to pay for this amount of annual tuition. J said that she was not looking for me to pay the tuition. J feels that Jen will get over it if she cannot get into the school. Why would she set it up like this. Is she that out of touch with reality? Or am I just over-reacting?

J does not believe that Jerry will get accept to Iolani because of the stiff competition and there has never been any family members attending Iolani. So, again, she is not concerned about Jerry's desire to attend Iolani. If by some miracle he does get in, J thought she would talk to the owner of the restaurant that she always goes to. She thought that there might be a chance of financial help there. What about the rest of the financial requirements? She does not plan to think about these problems unless Jerry gets in. Again, to me, something is wrong with this picture. Jerry is also talking as though the school were a done deal. He is a little more hesitant because he has not been accepted, but seems to believe that he will be. Is this just a difference in personalities (between J and me?). Is it okay to let the kids dream of attending specific schools when there is no money to pay the tuition? Why would Jen talk with so much certainty? Is it Jen that is refusing to look at facts that do not agree with her vision (as J seems to imply). I feel so inadequate here. I know that when I realized that I would be unable to commit the funds to support the kids in their choice of schools, I felt really bad. This felt like a big personal failure on my part. Is this the foundation of yesterday's depression?

Is the fact that I do not feel able to commit this amount of annual funds make me a failure in my own eyes? What is happening here? Is what happened yesterday causing things under the surface to burst open? I don't know. I know I would like to have the kids (all of them ) attend better schools. I do not feel that this is something I have to do. It is something that would give me pleasure if I could do. Is this one of the reasons I am starting to think about creating a real business. What will happen if I fail? What if my plans are just based on a pipe dream that I have gotten well enough to function in the business world. I know that stress does cause my brain to shut down. However, that does happen to everyone. But, perhaps, the inability to open my mail may be a more serious indication of my disability. I feel so confused. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I know that I will probably not stay with these thoughts for long. Wait a minute... yesterday I was unable to function. I did not blog or go back to working on the newsletter when I got home. I had the kids until 10:45 pm and did go to sleep early (about 1 am). I did function, but had a "heavy" heart all day.

I still have this "heavy" heart. So actually, this depression (or whatever this is) has stayed with me for longer than I would have thought. It is possible that this has always been true, but because I am not documenting time, I forget the duration after it is over. Oh well, I have to go to lunch with Dick. Then, prepare for Scott's arrival this afternoon. I think I'll just stick with the having him help me with the easy hardware problems (fix the network and install the new peripherals). Maybe, we will even have time to get to the Switch and the Pen Scanner.

I am looking forward to blogging more today. I wonder what my emotional state will be?

Later...

Just got back from lunch. I talked to Dick about my upsets. I actually started to cry. Once that passed, I becgan to feel lighter about the situation. Dick is willing to help the kids out. However, he is willing to be a part of the financial solution, not the solution. I agree with him on this. Can only take this one day at a time...

Talked to Scott and he planned to be here around 3 PM. I thought it would be closer to 2, but 3 works ok too.

I just re-read this post. I do not feel depressed. Neither do I feel up or enthused about anything. What I do feel is hopeful that life works and all I need to do is to keep breathing and moving in what feels like a forward direction. On that note, wil close this post and move on to other items.